Golf Lingo

This blog is brought to you by frequent contributor/commenter Fives Timmy

Fans are known to shout out sayings once a Pro player has hit their shot, common shout outs like “TIGER” or “YOU DA MAN” or “GET IN THE HOLE” has now been replaced by new ingenious things like “MASHED POTATOES” or “BALONEY SANDWICHES”.  But for a sport centered on silence, fans aren’t the only ones talking to the air born projectile.  Players talk to that little magical dimpled ball and have other ridiculous sayings once it leaves the face of the club, as if that will have any impact on what the ball actually does.

Here are a few examples of some golf lingo, feel free to comment and add your own:

·         Bite!

·         Spit it!

·         Cut!

·         Go you son of a *&%#!

·         Hit the putt you Sally!

·         Grab an edge!

·         BREAK!

·         Come on wind!

·         Be the right club TODAY!!

·         Heads up, this could go anywhere

·         Right swing, wrong club

·         I’m pin high, if I just hit that straight that would have been perfect

·         Get up!

·         Get down!

·         Get legs!

·         Bite like Tyson!

·         Hit the hill!

·         Roll you bastard!

 

·         One Time!*

·         Release!

·         Stop!

·         Run!

·         Hit the pin!

·         Hang on!

·         Now WORK!

·         Stay outta there!

·         That’s gotta go!

·         GO, GO, GO, GO!

·         GET IN THE HOLE!

·         DISAPPEAR!

·         FORE!


*- Denotes submitted by a reader

When To Yell Fore

Editor's Note:  This is a guest blog from "Fives Timmy"

How did the saying “fore” to warn that someone may get a welt from an errant Srixon or Bridgestone on Pro V1 on their noggin or back or wherever start?  I am sure Google will tell you but I didn’t want to ruin your vision of this blog to research that so let me tell you why.

I think there are some courses where you never ever will hear the word “fore” - the courses that are carved out hole by hole with debris, or trees protecting other holes, for example.  There are some tracks (hello Myrtle Beach, hello Thomson CC, hello Norton CC) that have condos or townhouses in the rough instead of trees and we’ll get to that in Chapter 59 but for now we talk of “fore”.

In 2004 I was playing solo golf in the middle of Germany; hit an errant shot (yes the rogue off course shot) toward another solo Kraut.  I yelled “fore”, but he never moved.  As I approached my ball (which was on his tee box a good 30 meters off course – European speak), he was yelling at me like a F Hitler rally.  ”Blah der blah der frau blah der herr blah der ein auf weidesehan blah”.  I say “whoa whoa Rommel, slow down.  I said “fore”. 

He screams “You are in Germany, yell veil”.  Veil to me is a meal.  OK, he wins, he is right, it’s his f country.  So, I join the Ted and play the rest of the round with him.  Having a miscommunication due to a foreign language is one thing but what about those occurances where “fore” isn’t warned in your own motherland USA?

In all of the times I have played Chemewa GC there has never been a time when I didn’t hear someone yell “fore”.  In fact, it’s a multiple event due to the DMZ like layout of that battlefield, I mean golf course!  Playing in a tight track, one has to be aware and of course, there are still times when the little dimpled ball gets close but no warning is screamed. 

Recently, I participated, with 11 others, in a Ryder Cup like event.  6 on 6 with one group dressed in red/white/blue and the other in either green or yellow shirts at a course called Old Scotland Links.  Now a Links course reeks of danger of getting hit by an errant shot given little to no trees between the holes i.e. no protection hole to hole.

The fourth hole there – a par 4, 290 yard hole with wind at your back on the tee box is a hole that some may try to drive the green especially duffers with  a large amount of testerone or any Notre Dame football fanatic! So what happens on that specific hole at The Old Scotland Lnks as my European squad is walking off that green onto the next tee box? A Titleist 2 with a logo indicating the Deutsche Bank Tournament on it comes perilously close to taking out  our number one seed player aka “The Cigar smoking Italian”, landing squarely on the cart path and bouncing over our heads into the fescue.  In a show of ultimate sportsmanship and despite the fact we almost got hit with a ball due to no warning or “Fore” being heard, we found the ball in the tall grass for the Notre Dame fan to continue his quest for a subpar hole. 

Now, I ask you: is it understandable to have a slight disagreement over the faiilure to convert the warning of “fore” to a foreign language quick enough to provide the distress signal?  The answer of course is a resounding “YES”.  So what is the excuse for that lovable yet inaccurate golf loving Notre Dame football freak to not send out the requisite scream of “fore”?

“Meet you at the 19th Hole”

You just spent over 4 hours in the sun, playing horrendous golf.  You can’t believe how many of your “perfect shots” just “happened” to find that lake, tree or fescue throughout your round.  You are having trouble understanding how you could play so poorly after you “figured things out” on the range earlier this week.  After about the 12^th hole when you were already 8 over on the back, you decided that if you are going to suck at golf, you’re at least going to get drunk doing so.  So after you tapped the rockies and polished off 6 Coors Lights on your back 9, you are going to keep it going on the 19^th hole.

So what makes a great 19^th hole?  The simple answer is: beer (or if your round was that bad, hard alcohol).   While that is true, there is more to it than that.  I recently played Shaker Hills and I will say they have one of the best 19^th holes I’ve ever seen (more on that in a minute).  Here are my 4 main things I look for in a 19^th hole:

1.       Does the 19^th hole overlook the 18^th green?

2.       Is there Bud Light on draft?

3.       Are there plenty of tvs in the inside space?

4.       Does the 19^th hole distinguish itself from other courses in any way?

Shaker Hills hit on all 4 points and then some.  They have an amphitheater-like deck overlooking the 18^th hole, the #1 and #10 tee boxes, and views of the 9th hole as well.  This is serious.  Not only that, and this is where it distinguishes itself from any other course I’ve been to:  they have a live feed of the 18^th hole on a 50 inch tv inside the tavern so you can watch the groups coming up.  I’ve never seen anything like that before.  It’s truly a great idea and makes excellent viewing for any tournament played.  I think more courses should do this, especially the ones where the bar doesn’t overlook the 18^th.

So after you’ve finished your round, find a spot on the deck, grab a Bud Light draft and watch all the groups coming up on 18 while you try to figure out how you could have played so poorly after you ripped it up on the range just days before.

Golfing with Random Teds: When You're the Random Ted

I recently wrote about previous experiences of golfing with random Dougs and how it can be a rather painful experience.  Well well, now the shoe is on the other foot and it’s time to look at it from a different perspective.  What about when you are the random Ted?  Then what?

This very idea popped in my mind recently because, well, I was That Guy who got paired up with a couple of friends.  Last Friday, I showed up at the course around 4 in the afternoon, hoping to get a quick 9 (and if I’m lucky, 18) in before the sun went down.  Due to the lovely September day we had, the course was a little more crowded than usual. 

“If I play as a single and get a cart, I should still be able to bomb around and get my 18 in”, I optimistically thought to myself.

After checking in at the pro shop, the lady behind the desk tells me it’s going to be a slow round as there are a lot of people out right now.   “No worries”, I tell her, “just trying to get 9 in since it’s so nice out”.  I was clearly lying as I wanted to play 18 but didn’t want her to think I was a complete psycho.

“There’s 2 guys going out right now, you can join them if you want”, she tells me.

"Alright, great", I respond.

What am I supposed to do, say no?  Tell her I’d rather play as a single because I just wrote a blog about the potential perils of golfing with randoms?  Should I check to see if they are smoking or crushing bud diesels before I agree to this? Wait, didn’t I join a course with the idea of meeting new people to golf with in the first place? 

After a quick bout of self-loathing and fighting off my Larry David moment of possibly avoiding this situation, I come to my senses and realize I should play with these guys.  After all, golf is a gentleman's game right?  Grow up.  I just hope I don’t play like shit like I did the week before.

So off I go.  I’m going to get paired up with the 2 buddies who just wanted to play together, probably play in the same fantasy football league and are most likely single digit handicaps.  I’m sure they’ll love my company and shitty golf game.  Not to mention they are walking and I’m riding in a cart, clearly I don’t need the exercise*.

After exchanging pleasantries, both guys drill their drives right down the middle of the fairway.  “Nice ball”, I say to both of them, trying to earn some goodwill.

This actually brings up my first conundrum of the day and playing with randoms issue #6: "what if we don't play from the same tee boxes?".  Before the round, I decided I was going to play the white tees instead of the customary blues, in an effort to score better than last time.  I was planning on putting the driver away, hitting my trusty 2 hybrid off the tee in order to keep it in the fairway, sticking wedges onto the green in regulation, then 2 putting for par all day, every day.  Boring golf.

Well think again my friend.  These cats were playing from the blues.  Of course they are, one guy is a 6 handicap, he's not going to play the WHITES! Do I stick to my plan and play from the whites?  Or I do man up and play from the tips like these hossas?  

Not wanting to seem like a pussy, and because I've played the blues 3 times already, I (not so)confidently decided I'd play the tips.  My game plan heading into today was thrown out.  Take out the big stick and let it rip. 

I tee up my Titleist 4 with 2 dots and swing away.  Boom.  Just as I anticipated, I spray it right.  Plunk.  Right in the drink.  Lost ball.  Nice swing, dick.  

After re-teeing and hitting 3, I keep the ball in play this time.  Whew.  That would have been very awkward if I lost another ball.  Alright we’re off.

As it turns out, they were both really good guys, and really good players.  I told them about my my story of playing the course before it opened, how difficult the course is and other small talk.  I even made plans to play with them again, though after I bunted around the course for a 47, I’m not so sure I should be expecting their call anytime soon.  All in all, I had an enjoyable round of golf, aside from my score.   

So what did I learn?  Golfing with randoms ain’t so bad after all, but it’s a different feeling when you’re on the other side of things and you’re the Ted, that's for sure. 

 

* I don’t Crossfit and I don’t exercise at the moment, but I carry around my 13 lb boss of a child quite a bit and I think that is sufficient.  Too bad the fall is here, otherwise it'd be suns out, guns out nonstop.

You Know You’re a Golf Junkie If...

o   You refer to the course as a “track”

o   You say things like “Bite!”, “Release!”, “Cut!”, “Be the right club today!” during your round

o   You track your fairways, greens and putts while you play

o   You discuss different course architects (“Did you know this is a Donald Ross course?”)

o   You have your name engraved on your bag

o   You have a name tag on your bag

o   You wear a visor when you play

o   You’ve played more than 18 holes in a day before

o   You have played 18 at one course, and then went to another course to get in another 18

o   You own a pull cart (this goes for anyone under the age of 65)

o   You have your own particular way of marking your ball to identify it from others

o   You play in multiple golf leagues

o   Golf is your only real hobby

o   You have travelled down South, West or to a foreign country strictly to play golf

o   You have your own putting mat at work

o   You end emails with “Hit ‘em straight”

o   Rather than going out for drinks on a Friday night, you stay in for a good night sleep since you have an early tee time

o   You set a reminder on your phone to call for a tee time the minute the course is accepting them

o   You’ve tried playing golf before the course even opens

o   You keep track of all the courses you’ve played, and then email your friends about it

o   You started a golf blog

Golfing with random Teds

Whenever I am planning a golf outing, I like to get a foursome out there.  And the reason is simple.  I don’t want to get paired up with random Teds.  Now, bear in mind that I’ve been paired up with some really good golfers and nice people whenever I’ve gone out as a single or twosome.  But it’s not my ideal situation.  If you are playing a nice course, then chances are they like golf and will probably be at least decent.  But if you’re playing a local muni, all bets are off.  Get ready for your new playing partners to fire up some Marlborough Reds and suck back some Bud Heavies because Eddie needs to kick back after roofing all week. 

But the Eddies and the Carls of the world aren’t my issue.  I don’t care if someone is a roofer, a lawyer, a salesman or what.  Actually, there lies my problem.  I don’t like the small talk and don’t want to know what you do for a living.  “So, what do you do for work?”  Do you really care what I do for work?  Do you have 20 minutes so I can explain to you what my company does, and then another 10 on how my job fits into the puzzle?  If you do, then you are a genuinely good and interested person and I don’t deserve to be around you because I’m a dick.  But chances are you don’t care just like I don’t care.  If I were out playing golf to network or sell you something, then I get it, we’d need to talk shop.  But I’m not.  I’m here to try and shoot in the 80s and not 3 putt every hole.

And I know the small talk about work and whatnot is inevitable, just like talking about the weather is a staple when you’re on a conference call with people from other areas of the country.  There’s no avoiding it.  But that’s why you need to get a foursome to escape these situations.

Aside from the small talk, there’s also the familiarity issue.  I get a little uneasy playing with people I don’t know.  I play my best when I am comfortable.  Now, I need to wonder about how to play with these guys.  How is their golf etiquette?  Should I not talk in their backswing?  Will they get offended if I take a piss in the woods?  Will they think I’m a lush if I start dieseling Bud Lights at 11am? What tee boxes are they gonna play from, and if it’s not the same ones we’re playing, should we play from theirs or should they play from ours?  GAAAHHH.

When you’re with your buddies, none of that stuff matters.   Swear all you want.  Talk in people’s backswings.  Take a piss next to the tree.  Drink a beer a hole.  Who cares?

So when you set up a golf outing, try to get at least 3 people, if not 4.  Otherwise, pack your bag with some Bud Heavies, pick up some smokes and get ready to hear how Steve just whiffed on his drive because he’s been drinking since 10 this morning because work’s been a bitch.

Hole-in-One vs. Double Eagle

The hole-in-one is the gold standard in golf.  If you’ve ever gotten one, it can be an excellent bragging point.  How far was the hole? What club did you use?  What’d you do with the ball?  But the argument could be made that it isn’t the most impressive feat in the sport.  Oh no?  What could be better?  How about a double eagle?  Yes, what about notching a deuce on a par 5? 

Don’t get me wrong, a hole-in-1 is awesome, and something I hope to achieve at some point in my life.  But it takes one great (lucky?) shot to get a hole-in-1.  A double eagle requires TWO great (or lucky?) shots.  And if you’re playing from the right tee boxes, that could be two beastly shots.  I’ve heard of many people getting a hole-in-1, but very few (Notah Begay at Stow Acres North and Louis Oosthuizen at the Masters a few years ago - see youtube clip below) who have achieved the double eagle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIW936walpw

So what do you think?  What is the more impressive golf feat - the hole-in-1, or the albatross?

And by hole-in-1, I mean on a par 3.  A hole-in-one on a par 4, well, I’m not ready to go there yet.

Shattered Dreams

When you’re out for a round of golf, it is inevitable that you will get annoyed with the group ahead of you (“What the hell is he waiting for?  Does he think he can reach the green from THERE?!?”), group behind you (“Jesus Christ, do they not see us??”), or even your fellow playing partners (Is he seriously still looking for that ball he hit 100 yards into the woods?).  I’m pretty sure this has happened every time I’ve played, and thus, my dream of having a golf course all to myself was born.  No need to wait on others, no one hitting into you, and no one not playing ready golf.

Well ladies and gentlemen, this morning I thought my dream had finally come true.

After checking out the forecast, I decided I would get out to play 9 holes this morning before my workday started.  I showed up unannounced at my new home course that I just joined, Thomson Country Club in North Reading, around 6:45am.  (Quick background for you that aren’t familiar with Thomson - which is everyone who reads this blog except one person - it is set in a condo community, with multi-unit condos and single family homes lining the fairways.  Picture a combination of New England Country Club/Norton Country Club layout in Myrtle Beach (because of the houses along the course)). 

Back to the story.  As I pull into the parking lot, I noticed there is not a SINGLE CAR in the lot.  Awesome, I’m thinking (while a part of me also wonders 'am I here too early?').  Maybe I can even get 18 in this morning before work if I take a cart.  As I walk up to the pro shop, there isn’t anyone inside and the doors are locked.  Ok, I guess I’ll be walking this morning.  There were grounds crew members working on the course, so at least there were people around.  As I wonder to myself if I should head out to 1 to tee off, I’m thinking, “hey I’m a member now, I can just go off and play whenever I want”.

Sounds good enough to me.  I got the golf course all to myself, just like I’ve always wanted.  This is GREAT.

I tee up my ProV and stripe a drive down the middle.  This is good news, since I’ve been struggling mightily with the big stick lately.  I walk to my ball drinking my large iced coffee from Dunks.  This could be a bitch to walk 9 with all this stuff, I think.  Whatever, it’s so nice out, it’ll be good to get some exercise.

After a few errant shots (hey I'm still waking up), I am on the green in 4 (it’s a par 5).  As I am about to line up my putt for par, a truck pulls up alongside the green (there are roads that go through the course, as it is a condo community like I previously mentioned).

“Course looks great this early”, I say to the man who turns out is the course superintendent and is curiously staring at me.

“Yeah, but I don’t know if you should be out here this early”, the big hoss replies, in a polite manner.

I think to myself, “This early?  Isn’t this golf where you get up at the ass crack of dawn to play? I know it’s September but it’s supposed to be 90 out today, what the F”

In reality, I am now worried about getting in trouble at the private course I just joined.  I say, “Oh no?  Is the course not open yet?  I got here about 20 minutes ago and no one was in the pro shop so I figured I’d try to get 9 in before work.  I just joined the club last week so I don’t know all the hours and regulations”.

Turns out, there is some sort of agreement between the course and the homeowners about early play.  They don’t want scoundrels walking around the grounds too early and have some restrictions in place.  I was out too early.

So now I’m thinking, damn, my dream of literally having the entire course to myself just went down the drain and maybe I won’t even be able to play today.

I say my apologies and there’s no harm done with the superintendent.  Whew. 

I walk back to the pro shop and tell them the story.  Luckily, they are cool with it and tell me during the week the earliest tee time is 7:50am.  They then allow me to get out in about 20 minutes as the first one out.

All in all, I got my 9 holes in, hit some decent shots and scored well.  Even though I didn’t have the course entirely to myself, it was close enough.

You Got Power (?)

Editor’s Note:  This is the first guest blog, brought to you by “Fives Timmy”

Hurricane Sandy arrived in Rhode Island in late October 2012 rendering Aquidneck Island with no electrical power for a few days and no golf for anyone while courses recovered.

A week after the hurricane, I found myself at the driving range on a gorgeous Saturday morning, not a cloud in sight. As I practiced at the driving range at Green Valley Golf Course, I found myself to be alone on the range when all of a sudden another patron came along to hit some shags.  As the newcomer stretched he started to make small talk with me about the weather, the dialogue went like this:

New Player X:  “Boy, this weather is a lot different than last week when the Hurricane hit us, eh”

Me: (while practicing my driver tee shots):  “Yes, this is perfect for golf”

New Player X: “It sure is”

Just then I hit a massive drive straight down the middle of the practice range just as a new comment from the other man came as follows:

New Player X: “You have power”

Me: “Well I smacked that one great, but recently I have been spraying them all over the place”

With a look of total aghast the next comment was by the new comer:

New Player X: “I mean do you have power at your house” (his facial expression was priceless)

Me: (after a slight delay due to me thinking he was talking about my prowess with the #1 Wood and not the Hurricane damage)……..“Yes, I only lost it for about 36 hours”

Nothing more was said by either hacker….to this day, as many times as I have told that story and laughed, I believe the New Player X has probably told it more and laughed harder!!

What’s in my bag?

Unlike my dad, I adhere to the rule of carrying 14 clubs or less in your bag to avoid disqualification (he carries 15 so if you are playing him in a match, keep that in mind).  So what do I have in there?

Driver: Taylormade RBZ Adjustable 10.5 degree.   Estimated distance 120 yards-280 yards (with roll, downhill, wind at back)

2 hybrid: Nickent, 17 degree.  E.D. 200-240 yards

3 hybrid: Ping, 20 degree.  E.D. 190-220 yards

5 hybrid: Ping, 23 degree.  E.D. 180-210 yards

5 iron: Callaway X20.  Only used to punch out of the woods (and it’s used often)

6 iron: Callaway X20.  E.D. 175-185 yards

7 iron: Callaway X20. E.D. 165-175 yards

8 iron: Callaway X20.  E.D. 150-165 yards

9 iron: Callaway X20.  E.D. 135-150 yards

PW: Callaway X20. E.D. 120-135 yards

Gap Wedge: Titleist, 52 degree.  100-120 yards

SW: Callaway X20, E.D. 75-100 yards

Lob Wedge: Not sure of the model, E.D. 60-75 yards

Putter: Odyssey, used for many a 3 putt

Ball: usually either a Taylormade, Bridgestone or Srixon lately, with the occasional ProV1 if I get adventurous 

Bushnell Rangefinder:  Can’t play without it

Top Courses I’ve Played

With the help of my trusty New England Golf Guide, I’ve gone through and counted up all the courses I’ve played over my lifetime.  The number was higher than I anticipated, and to this day I am at 80 courses.  Here is the breakdown by state:

Massachusetts	44
Maine	9
Rhode Island	8
South Carolina	7
Florida	4
Vermont	3
New Hampshire	1
Hawaii	1
North Carolina	1
Connecticut	1
Nevada	1

I’ve also gone through and ranked each course based on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the best.  Ratings were determined by course layout, conditions, memorable holes, amenities and staff.  Over time, I will get more in depth with some of these course reviews, but for now I will list the courses receiving 4 ½ stars and above and provide a quick recap of each.

5 STAR COURSES:

TPC Boston, Norton MA

I played here a few years ago in September with my friend Jared, his brother and one of his clients who’s a member at TPC.  I don’t remember a ton of specifics about the course, other than how cool it was to play the same track Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Adam Scott and other pros had played just weeks earlier in the Deutsche Bank Championship.  If you’re not in the fairway off the tee (and often I wasn’t), the rough can be a bitch to hit out of.  I would say this is the nicest course I’ve ever played.

Granite Links, Quincy MA   

Everyone will tell you the views of Boston is what makes this course great, and that is true, but don’t forget about how well conditioned the fairways and greens are as well.  The 19^th hole is one of the best in the country.

4 ½ STAR COURSES:

Newport National, Middletown, RI

This is probably my favorite course of all-time.  Located just a few miles from downtown Newport, this course is tucked away on an old apple orchard farm.  There isn’t a blade out of place in the fairways and the greens are spectacular.  Good luck if you spray it into the fescue.   I give this 4 ½ stars instead of 5 due to lack of driving range and subpar clubhouse. 

Farm Neck, Oak Bluffs, Martha’s Vineyard

There were torrential downpours the day I played here but even still you could get a sense of the gorgeous views of the water.  The layout of the course was phenomenal and would love to play it on a nice day.  $160 for in-season rates is steep, but considering Presidents play here when they vacation on Martha’s Vineyard, it’s worth it once in a while.

Red Tail, Devens, MA

Fairways and greens are fantastic.  The course has a very nice layout and some of the holes make you forget you’re in Devens and instead feels like a course you’d find in Arizona.

Belgrade Lakes, Belgrade, ME

Another course I played on a rainy day and would love to go back when we have nicer weather.  The fairways and greens were comparable to the nicest I’ve played on.  The course has some awesome views of Belgrade Lakes.  $150 is not cheap, but worth splurging on for a great golfing experience.

Have you played any of these courses?  What do you think about my ratings and reviews?  Leave a comment to discuss.

Intro to the blogging world of golf

After talking and thinking about golf nonstop with my friends and family, I've come to terms that I am a golf junkie and wanted to start a blog to have an outlet to "talk golf".  I envision this will be about my experiences and thoughts about the game, different courses I've played and want to play, frustrations I have with my own game, as well as anything else as it relates to golf.  There may occassionally be some guest bloggers to share their thoughts as well.  Otherwise, I don't know how often I will update this or what I am even doing with it, so consider this a work in progress...